so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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