Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
