Even water is tasting like jack daniels
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
