Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize