I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
