The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
