Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
