I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize