Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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