I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
