apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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