I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
