I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
