i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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