we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
do herpes really smell.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
