I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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