Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
