I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize