My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
