I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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