You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
