$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
