I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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