If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
