Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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