I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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