I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize