I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
