Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
