I think i sorta joined a cult last night
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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