Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
