Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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