dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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