wakey wakey hands off snakey
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
