whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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