I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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