just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
