we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
