I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
