mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
