how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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