oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
