currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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