Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Someone shit on the floor
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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