in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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