I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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