in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
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