I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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