I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
