I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
