It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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