Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
