he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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