I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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