So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize