The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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