I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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