It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
