...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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