Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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