So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
do herpes really smell.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
