i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
