DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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