At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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