i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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