my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
