need another drink. this is the easiest way
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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