Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
